I finished reading Charleen Touchette’s It Stops With Me: Memoir of a Canuck Girl this morning. I put it on library reserve because I read that some school district had banned it and that always sparks my curiosity about a book. The book is autobiographical and tackles the issue of parental abuse of children and therapeutic recovery from all kinds of abuse. I warmed up more and more to the book as I read it.
I’m at home with a cold today.
Yesterday, I had lunch with my friend Jim S. at Cafe Luna on Castro St., then we went to Cafe Flore to chat a bit more. After that, Kurt S. and I did our regular massage exchange at my place. I’m so glad I have my wonderful purple massage table. I decided not to go out to the Eagle or El Rio this weekend, just to spend some time relaxing at home reading about Egypt. A funny coincidence is that my nephew Alex is also learning a lot about Egypt right now since he’s going to a summer camp on that topic. I’m looking forward to seeing him and the rest of the Seattle-based family soon on my trip there from July 20-30, when I will also take several days to go camping to see the wildflowers on Mount Rainier with some of the radical faeries.
I saw the brutally violent film “Once Were Warriors” this evening. Made in New Zealand, the film chronicles the life of a Maori woman who leaves her tribal homeland for love. She picks the wrong guy, a violent drunk, who ends up beating her and neglecting their children. The film showcases some traditional Maori ceremonies and philosophies while taking on the issue of domestic abuse and the importance of countering it before it’s too late.
Since both prospective parent Nina and potential longhair dating partner David have told me that things are not going to happen as I had hoped, I experienced fairly strong feelings of rejection.
On top of a flu with headaches and following a surgical procedure on my butt, I’d have to say this hasn’t been my favorite month.
I find myself wanting to cacoon at home a lot, eat healthy and not-so-healthy foods (ice cream, garlic bread made with real butter!), and watch lots of movies.
Last night, I was tossing and turning when I normally would have been sleeping. I woke up looking out through the dark fog out my window. I pleasured myself. I felt lonely and tried some little consolations like holding my own hand, petting my own hair, and visualizing cuddling with someone I love.
After awhile, I had a kind of revelation — that the rejection I was feeling had more to do with timing and circumstance than with any real deficiencies on my part. I had a sense of the transience of individual human connections and the emergence of overall patterns of caring at the social level. I felt comforted by the vision, pleasured myself once again, and finally got some more sleep!
Today is also kind of special because I will be having lunch with Gina, who is a potential mother for our baby. We haven’t met in several weeks, since before I went to Brazil. She and her lesbian partner have been getting closer, so it’s clear that I’ll have to meet her partner if things are going to move forward. So, I’ll meet just with Gina today so she can decide if she wants to take the relationship and the possibilities to the next level. Wish me luck!
Gina and I met again today for a long walk in Golden Gate Park. I met her dog Jack. We talked about a lot of really good stuff related to parenting. I’m feeling good about the possibilities. I’m glad that I didn’t let my fears about not hearing from her for a week or so get to me.