Since both prospective parent Nina and potential longhair dating partner David have told me that things are not going to happen as I had hoped, I experienced fairly strong feelings of rejection.
On top of a flu with headaches and following a surgical procedure on my butt, I’d have to say this hasn’t been my favorite month.
I find myself wanting to cacoon at home a lot, eat healthy and not-so-healthy foods (ice cream, garlic bread made with real butter!), and watch lots of movies.
Last night, I was tossing and turning when I normally would have been sleeping. I woke up looking out through the dark fog out my window. I pleasured myself. I felt lonely and tried some little consolations like holding my own hand, petting my own hair, and visualizing cuddling with someone I love.
After awhile, I had a kind of revelation — that the rejection I was feeling had more to do with timing and circumstance than with any real deficiencies on my part. I had a sense of the transience of individual human connections and the emergence of overall patterns of caring at the social level. I felt comforted by the vision, pleasured myself once again, and finally got some more sleep!