A week spent vacationing in Seattle with my family and with Cob convinced me that Cob and I are not boyfriend candidates, at least well into the future. The upside is that we both seemingly want to continue to be friends with one another.
The trip was wonderful in many ways. I cooked a meal for 10 family members on Friday evening and got lots of wonderful feedback for doing so. I reconnected with Dad in some nice ways, with good conversation and lots, perhaps too much, technical support on the computer. I met Dad’s new partner Mariel who was very friendly and welcoming. I spent an afternoon hanging out with Mom, sharing stories and tiny glasses of Vermeer, a chocolate liqueur we both like. Cob met my family and played his viol, even singing a tune along with it. I had lots of time to hang out with my three nephews, Alex, Sam, and Zach, who are all growing up in wondrous ways.
Cob and I took Monday and Tuesday on a road trip to the towns and countryside around Gold Bar and Index. We hiked up Wallace Falls and I got to jump into the freezing cold river water at the top of the falls before hiking back down through all the wonderful forests and seeing all the expansive views on the way down. We found a wonderful place to stay called the Rose Hill Bed & Breakfast. Moon, the proprietor, welcomed us warmly although we arrived without a reservation at 7pm on Labor Day! Fortunately for us, her place was available because it was a large apartment with crazy interior decorating and wonderful views of the mountains around Index. Moon, Jacob, and I got on fabulously… she recommended to Cob that he move to San Francisco and could tell how taken I am with him.
On the drive back to Seattle, Cob made it clear to me that he felt my romantic interest in him was blocking our relationship from developing into a solid friendship. I mourned the lost days we could have spent together as partners and lovers and let go. I told him I would never kiss him or ask him to make love again unless he someday lets me know it’s ok to do so. He said he wanted some space to himself my last evening in Seattle, which hurt a bit, but again I just let go.
Instead, after hanging out with my father, I went to visit my friend J Steve and we spent a pleasant evening eating dinner, chatting in front of the public library near his apartment, and cuddling all night to make love in the morning. His style of connecting with me physically felt much less restrained than with Cob as of late, so it was all part of a healing process for me, even though J Steve is partnered with Drake who lives in Bend.
I hate it when I get into a despairing mood about my ability to partner with someone. Sometimes a lengthy queue of prospective partners of the past works its way through my mind in a gloomy procession of seemingly failed connections. When I look at it all intellectually, it seems silly. I remind myself that I would make a wonderful partner, even as I have doubts that there is somehow something wrong with me that has prevented deep long-term romantic connections since Rico and I broke up in 1996.